Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Safe is The Place...
I've been hearing rumblings from those concerned about me being in The Place. They don't understand it at all. They think I would be better off not being here. They don't realize that I'm in a Place that is necessary for me to heal. A Place I have to be in order to heal myself completely, mind, body, heart and soul.
In The Place, I am protected from the daily onslaught of the world. As long as I can stay here, I feel good. There's no emotional overload. There is nothing and no one here to cause me any anxiety. There is just me and my friends. And we have tea. Ohhh, and cupcakes. Don't forget those. All in all, it's a lovely, peaceful Place. I keep the noise to a minimum, meaning no TV or radio. I listen to my own collection of CD's. I love so many different music genres. African drums and dancing. Rain forest rain. New Age musicians who make music sound like something more. Jazz, classic, country, old rock, new rock, international, alternative, opera. For some strange reason, I like women opera singers better than the Three Tenors, although I have those, too. Maybe it's because Madame Butterfly was the first opera I saw. And I'd say 60% of my CD's are instrumental. So I have it playing in the background, and it isn't intrusive. I read a lot, and of course, do my daily web surfing. My previous experience with a computer was limited to doing accounting and bookkeeping. Not only did I not have time to surf, I didn't know how to surf. Only within the last year or so have I discovered that there really is a world wide web full of more than any one person could ever want to see. Actually, it's full of stuff I never want to see. I found that out the hard way. So I have several places/blogs that I look at every day. And I am very picky. I want to see something new and interesting. Avant garde. Photographers who push the limits. Artists whose work takes more than a minute to understand. Seeing how far creative minds can take an idea. Or read and learn something I never knew.
Whoa, I can really go off on a tangent. Sorry. I was saying that I like the peacefulness of The Place. The problem, as those concerned see it, is that I am rather stuck here. As in, I don't leave very often. I do leave to go to work, but so far I've only managed one day per week. One day and I'm done. Come home, fall asleep, in a fog for the next three days. So I am here more than not here. I don't go to the grocery store or the drugstore. I can't go much of anywhere without running the risk of seeing someone I know. And that really scares me. I'd have to do the "happy face" thing, and I'm already so tired, I don't know if I could. So I'm trying to get these several concerned people to look at the bigger picture. I've been like this for over 20 years. More than 20 years in a depression that went from bad to worse to much worse. Now, I've finally given myself permission to focus on me, to allow myself to "completely" recover. I'm learning that I need more than just a few months or even six months. Maybe more than a year. I know that I am creating problems by doing this, namely financial problems, but I've done the quick fix thing for so long and it only gets me right back into the same hole. I think I need to stop falling down the hole. Or having the house land on me. Or whirling around in the cyclone. Or growing tall then small then having my head cut off. (I told Alice that if the Queen had gone through with "off with her head," it could be the solution to my problems. No head, no problems. Since it was her story, she adamantly refused to change it. Too bad.) Hopefully, I will have time to heal. Really, truly heal. I'll still have to live with depression, but at least it won't be in the major-to-severe levels. Because I want to be able to do the things I want to do. To truly live and not just be alive.
Indigolights, a Seller on Etsy, has a beautiful print entitled "The Healing Heart" by Brian. It looks like an open glass heart bound up in a metal harness. Right up my alley. Did I say I liked avant garde? Anyway, there is also the following about healing a wounded heart:
"The Healing Heart holds a spirit,
strained almost to breaking
by hurt, indifference, and pain,
binding it, until it is made whole again."
Healing a heart and mind that has been fractured and half-healed for so long cannot be done overnight. Who can say how long it will take? I want my heart and mind to heal, to be made whole, but I'm not unrealistic. I know that there is a limit to how whole they can be and that the healing will take time and lots of stitches and will leave scars. But I need to stay here in The Place for that to happen.
And I need for them to understand.
(Image used in this post is from TheLittleFox, a Seller at Etsy, and is entitled "The Safe Place.")