Wednesday, February 3, 2010
It snowed last Friday afternoon until sometime late Saturday. We got snowed in, and virtually the entire city shut down. Here in the South, we can't drive in the rain, so don't even ask what happens when it snows! I was content to sit and sip tea and watch the snow fall. It's one of the most peaceful things I know. It's amazing to think that every single snowflake is totally, completely unique. For me, that's mind boggling. Well, for me, a lot of things are mind boggling!
Being snowed in gave me some time to do more thinking about why I am here in The Place. I had to come here at the beginning. There simply was nothing else to do. I was broken, beaten down and exhausted. But I've been here for quite some time and decided it was time to reevaluate. I got the push from a friend who gave me some good advice. I didn't realize at the time just how good it was. She said that I should take care of myself and not try to control everything outside The Place. What? I was here because I couldn't control myself, never mind anything else, so just how was I trying to control the outside world? It took me a few days, but as I was trying to go to sleep Friday night, I sat straight up with that "AHA" kind of moment.
Previously I mentioned that I was staying here in The Place longer than some people thought I should. I don't go out very often, usually only once a week. The truth is, I have gotten quite comfortable here, and my friend has forced me to acknowledge that I am hiding here. By hiding, I'm doing two things. One, I'm assuming that everything on the outside will be difficult to deal with, and two, I'm not allowing myself a way to find out how much I've healed. Assuming everything outside will be difficult is putting boundaries on the outside, which is, in effect, controlling the outside. I set myself an impossible task there, no?
I do need to set some boundaries on the outside, otherwise I will be right back where I was six months ago. And I do need to go outside, for no other reason than it's time to take that first big step and see how far I've come. The Place will be right here should I need to run back. I can't control anything or anyone on the outside, and I can't live any kind of meaningful life without going back out there.
If I keep hiding, I'm going to fade away.
Many thanks to my friend for the wise words and the encouragement.
The image used in this post is from blog.myheartties.com. It's a blog by Leah Humphries, and in it, she discusses her life after an ostomy. I could relate to so much of what she had to say. She also makes and sells a heart-shaped ostomy pouch cover that she created to feel more "womanly" after her operation (myheartties.com).