Slowly but surely...

Okay, I don't know who I was kidding, but I really haven't been able to start everything in my "better health plan" this week. I've made several changes, but all of them? No way. I guess I'm going into it gradually since that's what my brain seems to be doing. Some things have been easy to change, and those are the ones I've started on. Why do I always save the hardest for last?? The good news is that I am trying! I lied when I told my doctor I could do it all this week, but she said I should be able to do it all this week. Who was she kidding?

I can only change a few pieces of me at a time...

(Image by OutsideTheBoxArt at Etsy entitled "Funky Face.")

House cleaning and Hormones and Hatters, Oh My!

Now that I'm back to my usual good-for-nothing self after my tornadic, frenzied cleanup, I think today calls for a tea party. I've been neglecting Dorothy and Alice far too much lately, and they are pretty peeved about it. All work and no play just isn't their cup of...well, need I say it?

So today is devoted to sipping tea and enjoying time with friends. And what do I find but that things are out of control! Dorothy has been doing so much research on hormone replacement for me that she believes she has lost her brain and needs to find the Wizard. Oh dear. She's helping me since I continue to doubt those questionable little pills. We discussed yet again the need to consult someone who can thoroughly explain the difference between my current hormone treatment and the bioidentical hormone therapy. I've already given the boot to the phyto-hormones since my history indicates they will be of little use to me. Alice, meanwhile, has been rather distant since I failed to make it to the theater to see her latest movie. She is also miffed due to the rather blah reviews it received from the critics. Apparently, no one consulted her on the cast or storyline. I tried to explain that while it might be a story about her, it wasn't her story to claim, i.e., she didn't write it so why would anyone ask her opinions. That did not go over well. And since she is madly in love with the Mad Hatter, or rather the Hatter from this movie, she is quite disappointed that...oops, bad form to reveal the ending, right? Ah, well. I obviously have been out-of-touch for too long. I didn't realize that they needed me so much. I had thought that they were here for me.

I guess we are all here for one another, no?

(Image used is entitled "A Cup of Tea Solves Everything" and is by whatnikkimade at Etsy.)

Inside my skin...

Yesterday I was supposed to go to work and help with a payroll project. I emailed them on Friday and said I would be there. Then I just didn't go. I tried, but I couldn't make myself walk out the door. I haven't gone in four weeks. I've never been like this. When I knew that something important needed to be completed, I was the one who always bent over backwards to do everything I could to make it happen. I don't even feel bad about not going, and I haven't tried to go in today.

I think I've quit caring. I don't like being this way. One one hand, it feels so selfish and just wrong. On the other, I almost feel like I'm rebelling in some strange way, like a little kid who is saying "nah-nah-nah, you can't make me." Ever since I had that meltdown a few weeks ago, I've been getting more and more like this little brat, with an attitude of "don't tell me what to do or I won't do it just for spite."

I've always carried around a lot of guilt because I felt like I wasn't good enough or strong enough (mentally or emotionally). I was even told that I didn't care enough when, in fact, caring too much was what created the problems. I felt a lot of guilt over the last six or seven months when I opted to stay home from work. Guilt for not doing enough for my employers as well as guilt for creating our difficult financial situation at home. I mean, really major guilt trips. Now, I've gradually come to realize I'm not feeling guilty at all. Not about anything.

I'm becoming someone I never thought I could be. I don't think I like me this way.



The image used in this post is from a 2004 exhibition by Elizabeth Ingraham, a faculty member at UNL's Hillestad Textiles Gallery, and is entitled "Guilt." Her exhibition was titled "Information, Memory and Desire: Skins," and the lifesize figures were created from various fabrics and findings. The exhibition annoucement had this to say:

“Through a series of life-size, dimensional female skins, I am exploring how expectation, desire and convention - our own and others - form casings which shape our deepest selves and which become so familiar they seem like our own skin,” Ingraham said.

She likened the skins to costumes and camouflage, saying that they describe emotional states, conceal and reveal identity. The works are tactile as well as visual and are designed to be touched and handled by the viewer - unzipped, unbuttoned, entered, read and rattled."

Read more about her at culturalterrain.com or at monet.unk.net and see more of the "skins"--Duty, Denial, Regret, Baggage, etc.--"...the guises in which women enrobe themselves."

Me and Flick...

I have always been active and in fairly good shape. I never thought about how the last six months of inactivity would affect my body. I was spending too much time thinking and not moving. Ouch, but that has taken a toll.

We have been cleaning out the garage for several weeks in anticipation of an inspection, and yesterday was the longest cleaning day we've had. This morning I couldn't move. Major lower back spasms. Majorly painful. Never had anything like this before. I've been doing some very careful and slow stretching as well as moving around slowly. I can't remember if it's heat or ice I need. Going to look that up next.

I'll be pulling out the walking shoes and the exercise mat soon. When I can move again. Right now I'm kinda stuck.

(Image from "A Christmas Story.")

Too little too late...

I'm finally getting over the exhaustion after my meltdown on Sunday evening. That was some night. My other half was truly shocked at my explosion of emotion. I certainly hadn't planned it, but I guess it was a good thing since it opened his eyes a bit.

Last night I saw a commercial for a hormone replacement center that helps treat "those who have lost the joy of life." After the experiences of last year, I definitely lost that joy. Going through the struggle with constant bleeding, all the tests to determine what was wrong and finding out I was post menopausal probably due to the extreme stress, a kind of forced post menopause. That pretty much made me lose it. The loss of joy, I mean. I really struggled for a few months trying to accept that what fundamentally makes me a female was dead. And it wasn't a silent struggle. I know I talked to my other half several times. However, interestingly enough, last night he once again proved that he and I are miles apart.

After I saw the commercial, I made the comment that maybe I should try to make an appointment. He asked me why I needed help with my hormones. I asked him if he truly didn't know, and he said, "I'm really sorry but I don't." Knock me over with a feather.

I'm married to a man who doesn't listen to me or hear what I'm saying. And all I really feel is sadness for the years I've given to someone who hasn't been there.

(Image used is entitled "Listen to What They Tell You" and is by lineanongrate at Etsy."

I'm melting...

It snowed last Friday afternoon until sometime late Saturday. We got snowed in, and virtually the entire city shut down. Here in the South, we can't drive in the rain, so don't even ask what happens when it snows! I was content to sit and sip tea and watch the snow fall. It's one of the most peaceful things I know. It's amazing to think that every single snowflake is totally, completely unique. For me, that's mind boggling. Well, for me, a lot of things are mind boggling!

Being snowed in gave me some time to do more thinking about why I am here in The Place. I had to come here at the beginning. There simply was nothing else to do. I was broken, beaten down and exhausted. But I've been here for quite some time and decided it was time to reevaluate. I got the push from a friend who gave me some good advice. I didn't realize at the time just how good it was. She said that I should take care of myself and not try to control everything outside The Place. What? I was here because I couldn't control myself, never mind anything else, so just how was I trying to control the outside world? It took me a few days, but as I was trying to go to sleep Friday night, I sat straight up with that "AHA" kind of moment.

Previously I mentioned that I was staying here in The Place longer than some people thought I should. I don't go out very often, usually only once a week. The truth is, I have gotten quite comfortable here, and my friend has forced me to acknowledge that I am hiding here. By hiding, I'm doing two things. One, I'm assuming that everything on the outside will be difficult to deal with, and two, I'm not allowing myself a way to find out how much I've healed. Assuming everything outside will be difficult is putting boundaries on the outside, which is, in effect, controlling the outside. I set myself an impossible task there, no?

I do need to set some boundaries on the outside, otherwise I will be right back where I was six months ago. And I do need to go outside, for no other reason than it's time to take that first big step and see how far I've come. The Place will be right here should I need to run back. I can't control anything or anyone on the outside, and I can't live any kind of meaningful life without going back out there.

If I keep hiding, I'm going to fade away.

Many thanks to my friend for the wise words and the encouragement.

The image used in this post is from blog.myheartties.com. It's a blog by Leah Humphries, and in it, she discusses her life after an ostomy. I could relate to so much of what she had to say. She also makes and sells a heart-shaped ostomy pouch cover that she created to feel more "womanly" after her operation (myheartties.com).

Who am I...

I find myself pondering the questions of who I am, where I am going and what I have accomplished. These are things that until now I've never asked myself. I've made choices I thought were the right ones to make. I've done my best in anything I endeavored to do. I have tried to make a difference wherever I am. I have always walked to my own drummer's beat and hopefully always will. I have never let age be an issue, never given it a second's thought. I have always known exactly who I am. Until now.

A little background info might be the thing. I had a very stressful time of it last year and took a "leave of absence" from work. Twice. For almost four months total. It took three of those months to recover from the emotional and physical consequences of the stress. Emotional stress isn't anything new for me, but the physical problems were not only new, they resulted in a state of mind that led me to The Place. I have changed physically in significant ways. Physically, I am no longer who I was. The overwhelming change that occurred was being thrown into post-menopause. And therefore being thrown into a tailspin of questioning everything about myself. Something has "died" inside of me, and I can't seem to get my head around that.

So in the midst of trying to decide who I am now and where I'm going, I'm also struggling with how to get back into the workplace. I've been given the green light for a part-time job with the employer for whom I was working when I was so stressed. There has been no definition of "part-time" on his part, however, and I am one who needs structure. Therefore, I'm left hanging as to how to proceed. Of course, there is the fact that the stressful part of the job hasn't really changed. I'll walk right back into it even as a part-time employee. Now, I will admit that he has hired someone to take my place, so it won't come close to being as bad as it was before, but it still will be bad. So what with knowing that it will be a bit stressful and not knowing exactly what my new part-time position entails, I'm feeling a bit lost.

As I have said, I am one who needs to make a difference no matter what I do. I have always been aware of this need, especially when I felt like I wasn't meeting it. Because I have been away from a work environment for so long, I'm giving more thought to my options. Isn't there a saying that if one does what one loves, the rest will follow? I'm assuming that "the rest" means an income. So what is it that I love doing? Can I do it well enough to make a living at it? Will it make a difference in this world? And most importantly, will it help me to leave The Place where I no longer know who I am? Asking myself these questions is enough to make me hyperventilate.

(Image used in this post is entitled "Trying to Breathe" by LightLeaks, found on Etsy.)