Ignore that woman behind the curtain...

I've come to the conclusion that I may never find answers in this world. Sometimes I'm not even sure of the questions. But there is something in me that begs to understand the events of my life. Looking back, it's a crooked path, to be sure. I wish it were a straighter one. I think that the straighter the path, the easier the time spent on it. Or maybe that the one who walks it is stronger. Or better. Some might say a crooked path means life has been experienced, that there have been twists and turns that give it meaning. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm behind the curtain just looking out at life, desperately wanting to change it but having no idea how to do that.

Maybe I'm really hiding.

(Image used in this post is entitled "The Search" and is by SpecialBuy found at Etsy.)

Hi-ho, Hi-ho, it's back to work I go...

I have gone back to work part-time. The need for funds has overridden my need for both a job that makes a difference and one that offers some creativity. I am back at the same office that I was at when working full-time. I know that helping them is going to make a difference for them. Maybe that's all that matters. If I help make their lives easier, haven't I made a difference? I took a fairly lengthy leave of absence, and they are now as stressed as I was when I left. So if I can help get them more in control of the mountains of paperwork, I'll be helping them to feel better, just like they helped me.

Is this a case of "what goes around comes around"? If so, maybe I need to wear this bracelet to remind me that I am making a difference!

(Bracelet is by theroyalbead and is found at Etsy.)

Fighting struggle...

Thankfully, things have been a little less rambunctious around here. Once I finally got the ladies settled down from their little blogger war, they have been on their best behavior! I really do not like conflict, especially when it's between people who hold a special place in my heart. I guess that has also been a big part of my past struggles. When emotions run so high during conflict, I am completely distraught and consumed by it. I'm even affected by conflicts between people I don't know! Don't ask me how or why that happens, but if it can, just imagine how much worse it is when I do know the people. Keeping everyone happy seems to be both my goal and my struggle.

The artist of today's image quotes the following about struggle: " 'there will always be a pull, tugging at you from every angle. fight it, and you will lose. give into it, and you will be home.' "

Easier said than done, I think.

(Image used in this post is from TinaCrespo at Etsy and is entitled "The Struggle."

dez place is crazy...

Ladies, please!! This is getting out of hand. No more comparing yourselves or your time in my blog. That's right. MY blog. Remember? I'm the one who started this and who invited you two to be a part of it. You both are here for moral support and encouragement. I never promised you blog time.

Now, tea and cakes, anyone?

(Image used in this post is by Seller derekwragge at Etsy and is entitled "Dez.")

A brain is a terrible thing...

Hi! Dorothy here. I grabbed the mouse out of Her hand so I could have some blog time. Alice has been mentioned by name once, and Her last post alluded to Alice's story of "who am I" and "where am I"? Geez, give me a break. I'm beginning to believe that Alice's story might not be true. I mean, have you read it? It is total nonsense. It's like she's making it up as she goes along. Since I know what I went through was real, I'm taking over.

Now I'm not here to talk about myself, but to do a shout out for Her. Sure, there is a lot of stuff going on inside of Her, but all in all, She is a survivor. She doesn't give up, even when the odds are way stacked against Her. I have been around Her long enough to understand what happens and why. I've seen it happen too many times not to. But this time was different. This time, I'm really worried about Her. So take five and read.

She has a problem with her brain. Maybe the Scarecrow should be here helping me, but he wasn't invited. She doesn't let just anyone into The Place, you know. And I wouldn't dare suggest that She invite him. But about the problem with Her brain. It's not that She doesn't have one, it's just flawed. Not in a terrible way either. Thankfully, there is medication to help correct it. Her brain's problem is called depression, and She falls into it when She is dealing with too much emotional stress. You see, along with feeling things very strongly, She also seems to take in other people's emotions, especially those people She cares for the most. Maybe you don't get that, but it's true. She can just sense when something is wrong with someone, and She will do whatever She can to make things better. Enter the brain flaw. Her brain on meds helps Her deal with Her own emotions. When She takes in emotions from other people, She gets overwhelmed by them, and the meds don't help so much.

I think the reason She trusts Alice and me to be here is that bad stuff happened to us, too, and we both came out doing pretty good. Well, at least I have had bad stuff happen. Alice just had regular stuff happen, if it did happen at all. Just saying. Hey, what are you doing here? G..vithis bk.....What the.......

[The image used in this post is from Etsy Seller BeatBlack. The necklace shown is the "Neuro Necklace" in "moldy"(green). It is also available in "lunch meat"(pink), "dark thoughts"(black) and "grey matter"(surprise!! gray).]

Who am I...

I find myself pondering the questions of who I am, where I am going and what I have accomplished. These are things that until now I've never asked myself. I've made choices I thought were the right ones to make. I've done my best in anything I endeavored to do. I have tried to make a difference wherever I am. I have always walked to my own drummer's beat and hopefully always will. I have never let age be an issue, never given it a second's thought. I have always known exactly who I am. Until now.

A little background info might be the thing. I had a very stressful time of it last year and took a "leave of absence" from work. Twice. For almost four months total. It took three of those months to recover from the emotional and physical consequences of the stress. Emotional stress isn't anything new for me, but the physical problems were not only new, they resulted in a state of mind that led me to The Place. I have changed physically in significant ways. Physically, I am no longer who I was. The overwhelming change that occurred was being thrown into post-menopause. And therefore being thrown into a tailspin of questioning everything about myself. Something has "died" inside of me, and I can't seem to get my head around that.

So in the midst of trying to decide who I am now and where I'm going, I'm also struggling with how to get back into the workplace. I've been given the green light for a part-time job with the employer for whom I was working when I was so stressed. There has been no definition of "part-time" on his part, however, and I am one who needs structure. Therefore, I'm left hanging as to how to proceed. Of course, there is the fact that the stressful part of the job hasn't really changed. I'll walk right back into it even as a part-time employee. Now, I will admit that he has hired someone to take my place, so it won't come close to being as bad as it was before, but it still will be bad. So what with knowing that it will be a bit stressful and not knowing exactly what my new part-time position entails, I'm feeling a bit lost.

As I have said, I am one who needs to make a difference no matter what I do. I have always been aware of this need, especially when I felt like I wasn't meeting it. Because I have been away from a work environment for so long, I'm giving more thought to my options. Isn't there a saying that if one does what one loves, the rest will follow? I'm assuming that "the rest" means an income. So what is it that I love doing? Can I do it well enough to make a living at it? Will it make a difference in this world? And most importantly, will it help me to leave The Place where I no longer know who I am? Asking myself these questions is enough to make me hyperventilate.

(Image used in this post is entitled "Trying to Breathe" by LightLeaks, found on Etsy.)

A new year...

Since my discovery of The Place, a New Year has arrived. I ushered it in with a hearty toast (more of a prayer, actually) to much less drama! All the many changes and revelations last year were quite enough for awhile, thank you very much!

I recently shared with Dorothy and Alice that I am now looking for that elusive "something" that is missing in my life. What with all the upheavals and changes from last year causing me to cocoon myself here in The Place, I know I must emerge and grab hold of life, such as it is. But what is it exactly? I have a deep need to make a difference to someone or something. The problem is learning how to distance myself emotionally while making a difference. Is that even possible? Must what I do always be accompanied by emotional stress? My friends tell me not to worry. Something will come along, and I will recognize it. It will call to me, they say. But in order to best hear it, I must be emotionally ready. I must diligently maintain a positive attitude. Knowing myself quite well, I believe I will need some help in doing that! So I have been looking for something to aid me as I struggle to remain "up," disregarding those obvious traps into which I have often fallen. It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be! Thankfully, there are those who realize that we all need help now and then. My discovery even fits right into the most looked-for event of my week! I'll serve myself and my friends some Happy Tea. It will "help move those blues away" and gives one an "uplifting experience"!! It's sold at Etsy by wildroot (botanicals) along with other herb-related products. Here's to a better year and a happier me!!