Resolved...

It's been over a month since I last posted, but things seem always to be so busy between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was a great month for me, though, as I really was able to appreciate the season and enjoyed spending time with my family. It's been almost a decade since I've been able to say that.

I started this journal last year with the intention of trying to work through my emotional collapse. Steff recently said something about the need to study the effects of journal/blogging online. I hadn't thought of it until then, and I completely agree. Maybe I can be a guinea pig in the study! I do think that this was a big part of helping me work through my state of mind and was better for me than a handwritten journal. It was a big step for me to take since I tend to be very wary of sharing anything with anyone. I was also able to use my need to be creative which I found wasn't at all inspired otherwise. My creative spirit was as depleted as my emotions.

I realized that today is December 31, the last day of the year, and I'm inspired to make some New Year's resolutions, again for the first time in years.

1--Continue to post to this journal at least once per week to track my mental and emotional health.

2--Determine and then do the one thing I can do at this point either as a volunteer or an employee (part-time). I have to find a way to put meaning back in my life but not at the expense of my healing to date. I hope to do more as healing continues.

3--Take my slowdown in spending to a new low. I have enough of stuff for ten people. I don't need to purchase anything except personal items and books. I don't think I can limit it so strictly, though. Not at this point. So I don't want to resolve to stop buying the unnecessary stuff.

4--Continue to do the cleanup that began when we refinanced last year. I got it only halfway completed. I need to get my surroundings in order. It's part of my healing and will give me another thing to feel that I do have some control over my life.

5--In somewhat of a combination of resolutions #3 and #4, be creative again. I have accumulated a lot of materials to make things and need to use them or lose them. I know that creativity is something I need in my life, whether it is art or clothing, and I like to make both.

Best wishes for a happy and successful 2011!

Happy New Year!!

(Image is from the Etsy shop, Hudsonsholidays. Handmade New Year's flashcards that can be downloaded and printed. Good thing since I've waited until the last minute...)

Gobble, Gobble...

Today is Thanksgiving Day, and all over the country people and families will be sitting down to a bountiful meal and offering up thanks for the blessings of their lives. Regardless of circumstances, we all have something for which to be thankful. As for me, I think every day will be Thanksgiving Day from now on.

Turkeys everywhere are probably thankful that that won't be the case for anyone else.

Happy Thanksgiving Day!

(Image used is from best-norman-rockwell-art.com)

There is a Gaelic proverb that says our reactions are but echoes of our past. I can see now that that is exactly how I've lived--reacting to the present based on my past. Can I change that? Can hope send its roots deep and allow me to react/interact while looking at the present or even to the future?





This state of calm has brought hope, more hope than I have had in a very long time. I will hold it, nurture it and cherish it.

image via stadpolitik.wordpress

The calm after the storm...

For the last few months, I've been considering no longer posting to this journal. I felt like I had nothing new to say or address regarding my mental and emotional health. I started this journal in an effort to try to find ways to deal with the depression that has plagued me for over 25 years. I have had no success in talking with a therapist--I seem to be unable to open up with a "live" audience. There are things that I have shared with only a few trusted friends (who later betrayed my trust) and things that I've buried deep inside and never told anyone. This journal was to be my outlet for digging up and discussing those issues. Some entries took minutes to write. Others took days. They were written and rewritten and sometimes deleted. Most of them were written through tears. I often felt drained after finishing some of them. I usually spent hours looking for just the right image to express the sentiment of the entry, but that creative element was often what brought relief to an otherwise emotionally draining time. I haven't ever gone back and reread my entries. Not yet, anyway. I will, someday.

But now, I find myself at a turning point after 14 months of near isolation spent in introspection. Last night, I had something of a revelation, one of those sit-straight-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night kind of moments. I realized that I really feel different. Almost calm. I wouldn't say that I am at peace, more of a feeling of being comfortable or content. I thought, at first, that this sense of calm was emotional exhaustion. Now I realize it's that I've lost the overwhelming despair that I've been dealing with for the past year. Despair has made every moment of every day seem hopeless and meaningless, so much so that I will admit to often wanting to just quit trying to get better. Despair is like constantly having a dark cloud overhead that threatens to turn into a storm at any minute. It colors every thought, feeling and action.

So I've decided to continue with this journal but with a different purpose. Many thanks to those who have stuck with me and read my past entries, painful though they might have been. Thanks, too, for the encouragement and words of wisdom. What I hope to accomplish in staying the course here is to chronicle my continued healing, not peppered with despair and exhaustion, but with strength and hope born from a year of struggling through the storms. I'm working on making some changes to the site to reflect my new found self.

I can't wait to get started...

Dancing the night away...

I saw "Billy Elliot" way back when it was released on--ahem--tape. It actually seems much longer, but it came out a bit over ten years ago. It has multi-layered meanings for me, and I watched it probably three times a day for a week. I originally got it because it was about dancing, and if only for that, it is amazing. Anyways, we went to see "Billy Elliot, The Musical" last night. It came here for its debut tour stop. I knew it was going to be good--it won the Tony for best musical--and it was "Billy Elliot," for crying out loud--but I really didn't have high expectations. I didn't think it could come close to touching me on an emotional level the way the movie did. And I was right. The production was fantastic, no doubt. The dancing was incredible. There were five different boys playing the part of Billy due to the rigors of the roll. The kid we saw could not have been better, but Jamie Bell holds a piece of my heart. I was a little surprised by how close the musical stayed true to the language of the movie. Down yere in tha sowth we dowt git much cussin in orwn shozs. Ah, wake up, y'all! I argued all the way home about how integral it was to the show. It was about miners in Ireland during a strike. Miners. Ireland. Duh. I drank a Guinness during the first half of the show in support of those miners.

So, I give it a thumbs up and highly recommend seeing it if it comes your way. Be ready to laugh. The scenes between Billy and Michael are hysterical. Be ready to be amazed by the dancing. But don't worry about bringing a Kleenex or three.

At last...

Hit a slump about ten days ago. Not a really bad one, but enough to keep me down-in-the-dumps and my brain in rehash-mode. I've thought through so many past events, step by painful step, and didn't resolve anything. As usual. Makes for a hard time sleeping, too, and when I have been able to sleep, I can't remember my dreams. I started writing down my dreams a few months back. I read somewhere that as we change and age, our dreams change as well. Mine have. Most of my dreams have always revolved around anxiety of some sort. Two of the most frequent involved falling or drowning. Lately, however, I'm either trying to find something or to get somewhere. I guess I don't need Freud here, huh? I know dreams are supposed to be the brain's way of siphoning through our experiences and emotions, resolving what is/isn't important and dumping the crap. It's funny how the mind works, though. When I think too much about stuff, I don't seem to dream, and my strangest dreams occur during my most normal times. Or whatever passes as normal for me.

On a completely unrelated note, my bonus for curtailing my spending habits is the purchase of a long-wanted piece from my favorite designer, Patricia of Artlab. I'm sure anyone who has followed her as long as I have already owns the Andromache shirt made of deconstructed tshirts. This incredible garment can be purchased from her shop at Etsy.

Sail away, sail away, sail away...

Today is Columbus Day here in the good ole' US of A. The day is celebrated in both North and South America because Christopher Columbus (the "American" version of Cristoforo Colombo, his name in Italian) is usually given credit for having discovered the New World in 1492. However, the Vikings were really the first to do so. Norsemen from Scandinavia arrived here in the 10th century and began settlements in the northern part of the continent in what is now Canada. Less well known is the American holiday Leif Erikson Day, celebrated (such as it is) on October 9th and commemorating the day his ship arrived in New York Harbor bringing immigrants from Norway.

The USA is primarily a country of immigrants. Except for the descendants of the indigenous people who are now referred to as American Indians (Columbus thought he had landed in the East Indies), our ancestors either came here looking for a better way of life or were brought here. Sadly, for a country founded on freedom, we didn't offer that right to everyone in the earlier years.

Again, sadly, the freedoms we cherish as individuals often conflict with the freedom of the whole. We guarantee the freedom to worship but protest when we don't like the religious practices of another. We have the right to free speech but think we can force our words or beliefs on others. Freedom of the press often means not always hearing the whole story or maybe not even the truth. We vote on our leaders as a democracy, but then don't have, as individuals, a say in the actions of those leaders. The very makeup of our country--immigrants--guarantees that our country will always be diverse and often divided. The melting pot can be a hot pot of controversy.

Sometimes I wish I could be like Columbus and Erikson and discover a New World where everyone would live in freedom, peace and harmony.

(Image used is entitled "Santa Maria." The photograph is of the bow of the ship of the statue in Columbus Circle outside Union Station in Washington, DC. Visit the Etsy shop at Raceytay or the artist's blog ibrakeforbokeh.com for more beautiful pictures and information.)


When Columbus started out he didn't know where he was going, when he got there he didn't know where he was, and when he got back he didn't know where he had been.
--Anonymous