I found her only to lose her...

Blew my resolution to post every week, huh? What's it been--three weeks? I guess I could blame it on the weather (snow and ice) or my birthday (late January), but neither would be true. I've just been doing more reading lately. I'm in the middle of reading five series, and I'm not even a big fan of series. When I know a new book is almost out, I usually re-read all the prior books just to remember what happened, which sometimes feels like a big waste of time. But most authors take +/- a year to get the next book out, and when I think about where I've been in the last two years, I can see why I don't remember anything.

I posted earlier--actually, the last post now that I look--about reading the Stieg Larsson trilogy that started with TGWTDT. I wasn't certain how I felt about that first book. Since then I've finished the other books, The Girl Who Played With Fire and The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets' Nest. Again, once I started reading, I couldn't put them down. I felt obliged to read the second one but then couldn't wait to start the third. Larsson is most definitely a master storyteller. This trilogy was like a roller coaster ride. It started out by taking me slowly up that first hill, and once it reached the top, it was a wild ride from then on. Lisbeth Salander finally stole my heart. I think I couldn't relate so much to her at first because she was so unemotional, and of course that's so not me. But I gave her and the author the benefit of the doubt and was rewarded by an amazing story of remarkable survival despite the odds, extraordinary courage acting against those who did harm and blossoming trust that reluctantly acknowledges that there are some good people in the world that we might call friends. I know, I know, I'm prone to seeing the world through rose-colored glasses and the glass half full. Lisbeth gave up on that a long time ago. She was motivated by a lot of hate, but still, I got her. In a way that someone who has never come close to suffering what she did, I got her. I really wanted to know more about her.

It's unfortunate that there may be no more books in what was to be a ten-book series. Larsson had a basic outline of the entire series, and he had about half of the fourth book written before he died. His life companion has said she could finish it, but it's tied up in the legal system. It was to be primarily about Lisbeth and her life as she adjusts to what she finally has revealed about her past. We were going to learn about the meanings of her tattoos, namely that each represented someone who had hurt her. I wanted to know what happened to her twin sister, Camille, and how she might have reacted upon learning about Lisbeth's trial and the truth of their lives. And I really wanted to know more about Lisbeth.

Not only do I highly recommend this trilogy, but I also would suggest reading Larsson's biography. His outspokenness in fighting racism made him a target of violence. Explains why he could write about it and make me feel it.

Reading List

Absolutely nothing going on of any interest to post. And having had two more snow days--really more like ice days--this past week and an upcoming holiday on Monday means not much computer time. I am currently re-reading four books of a series in anticipation of reading the fourth. The series is on the level of the Harry Potter books, but surprisingly I've enjoyed it. No, I didn't read the HP series nor have I seen any of the movies. And I finally read The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Now there is a book about which I have very mixed feelings. I never felt a connection to any of the characters, and it was a tedious read, not to mention that some of it was just hard to read. That said, I stayed up all night to read it--I could not put it down. Hhmm. Weird. It did make me reconsider getting a tattoo. I've always wanted one. Probably too old now. I recently picked up the second book by Steig Larsson, The Girl Who Played With Fire, so I'll be reading that soon as well.

Cookies, chocolate and calories--Oh My!

One of my New Year's resolutions was to post at least once per week. Well, here I am once again at the last minute trying to get something in, but that still means that Resolution #1 is on track. Resolution #2 is in process as I've found a few things and put out a few feelers. I felt really vulnerable by opening myself up, and it has created some apprehension since I haven't heard back from anyone yet. I'm playing a guessing game with myself--who have they contacted and what have they been told?

Resolution #3 was to lower my spending even further, and so far into 2011, I am doing fabulous on this one! Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it's only the first week? Continuing to clean up my house was #4, and that one hasn't gotten underway yet. I guess I can use the same excuse as for #3. And #5 was for me to be more creative, so making up excuses for the others has that one going strong!

Well, at least I didn't include the usual promise to lose weight. That one would have been out the window by the second day. If only my hubby hadn't bought those extra bags of after-Christmas sale priced Moravian cookies...

Resolved...

It's been over a month since I last posted, but things seem always to be so busy between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was a great month for me, though, as I really was able to appreciate the season and enjoyed spending time with my family. It's been almost a decade since I've been able to say that.

I started this journal last year with the intention of trying to work through my emotional collapse. Steff recently said something about the need to study the effects of journal/blogging online. I hadn't thought of it until then, and I completely agree. Maybe I can be a guinea pig in the study! I do think that this was a big part of helping me work through my state of mind and was better for me than a handwritten journal. It was a big step for me to take since I tend to be very wary of sharing anything with anyone. I was also able to use my need to be creative which I found wasn't at all inspired otherwise. My creative spirit was as depleted as my emotions.

I realized that today is December 31, the last day of the year, and I'm inspired to make some New Year's resolutions, again for the first time in years.

1--Continue to post to this journal at least once per week to track my mental and emotional health.

2--Determine and then do the one thing I can do at this point either as a volunteer or an employee (part-time). I have to find a way to put meaning back in my life but not at the expense of my healing to date. I hope to do more as healing continues.

3--Take my slowdown in spending to a new low. I have enough of stuff for ten people. I don't need to purchase anything except personal items and books. I don't think I can limit it so strictly, though. Not at this point. So I don't want to resolve to stop buying the unnecessary stuff.

4--Continue to do the cleanup that began when we refinanced last year. I got it only halfway completed. I need to get my surroundings in order. It's part of my healing and will give me another thing to feel that I do have some control over my life.

5--In somewhat of a combination of resolutions #3 and #4, be creative again. I have accumulated a lot of materials to make things and need to use them or lose them. I know that creativity is something I need in my life, whether it is art or clothing, and I like to make both.

Best wishes for a happy and successful 2011!

Happy New Year!!

(Image is from the Etsy shop, Hudsonsholidays. Handmade New Year's flashcards that can be downloaded and printed. Good thing since I've waited until the last minute...)

Gobble, Gobble...

Today is Thanksgiving Day, and all over the country people and families will be sitting down to a bountiful meal and offering up thanks for the blessings of their lives. Regardless of circumstances, we all have something for which to be thankful. As for me, I think every day will be Thanksgiving Day from now on.

Turkeys everywhere are probably thankful that that won't be the case for anyone else.

Happy Thanksgiving Day!

(Image used is from best-norman-rockwell-art.com)

There is a Gaelic proverb that says our reactions are but echoes of our past. I can see now that that is exactly how I've lived--reacting to the present based on my past. Can I change that? Can hope send its roots deep and allow me to react/interact while looking at the present or even to the future?





This state of calm has brought hope, more hope than I have had in a very long time. I will hold it, nurture it and cherish it.

image via stadpolitik.wordpress

The calm after the storm...

For the last few months, I've been considering no longer posting to this journal. I felt like I had nothing new to say or address regarding my mental and emotional health. I started this journal in an effort to try to find ways to deal with the depression that has plagued me for over 25 years. I have had no success in talking with a therapist--I seem to be unable to open up with a "live" audience. There are things that I have shared with only a few trusted friends (who later betrayed my trust) and things that I've buried deep inside and never told anyone. This journal was to be my outlet for digging up and discussing those issues. Some entries took minutes to write. Others took days. They were written and rewritten and sometimes deleted. Most of them were written through tears. I often felt drained after finishing some of them. I usually spent hours looking for just the right image to express the sentiment of the entry, but that creative element was often what brought relief to an otherwise emotionally draining time. I haven't ever gone back and reread my entries. Not yet, anyway. I will, someday.

But now, I find myself at a turning point after 14 months of near isolation spent in introspection. Last night, I had something of a revelation, one of those sit-straight-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night kind of moments. I realized that I really feel different. Almost calm. I wouldn't say that I am at peace, more of a feeling of being comfortable or content. I thought, at first, that this sense of calm was emotional exhaustion. Now I realize it's that I've lost the overwhelming despair that I've been dealing with for the past year. Despair has made every moment of every day seem hopeless and meaningless, so much so that I will admit to often wanting to just quit trying to get better. Despair is like constantly having a dark cloud overhead that threatens to turn into a storm at any minute. It colors every thought, feeling and action.

So I've decided to continue with this journal but with a different purpose. Many thanks to those who have stuck with me and read my past entries, painful though they might have been. Thanks, too, for the encouragement and words of wisdom. What I hope to accomplish in staying the course here is to chronicle my continued healing, not peppered with despair and exhaustion, but with strength and hope born from a year of struggling through the storms. I'm working on making some changes to the site to reflect my new found self.

I can't wait to get started...